Series 2 Episode 2. Masculinity and Love
In a world which talks loudly about ‘toxic’ masculinity, where do love and tenderness fit in? In this episode, we encounter the ways in which masculinity is policed, the place of love and sensitivity in masculine identity, and what it means to ‘be a man’ in therapy – and a male therapist.
Rachael speaks to Scott Reeve (he/him), a person-centred therapist, supervisor and trainer.
Rachael writes: When Scott contacted us (Kate and I) about his research into masculinity and love, we were intrigued and glad of the opportunity to explore this vital area on the podcast. In his initial communication with us, Scott shared his work on bereaved fathers as forgotten mourners. This work poignantly set the tone for considering the constrained emotional vocabularies available to cisgender heterosexual men in terms of expressing vulnerabilities and love.
In the podcast, we considered how these constricted vocabularies emerged from emotional policing that men are frequently subjected to from a young age. We explored ‘The Boys Code’ and how that morphs into the oppressive yet vague imperative, ‘be a man’ and the devastation such policing can wreak upon individuals and society. We were left wondering what it meant to be a sensitive boy and then a sensitive man living with the unspoken trauma of societal, gender-based conditions of worth?
Throughout my conversations with Scott, I was aware that gender/experiencing gender is, for me, a perpetual source of fascination alongside encounters across social difference. For note, Scott is a cisgender heterosexual man, and I’m a cisgender-ish LGBTQ woman. We are both white, similar in age and have some overlaps regarding social class. After the encounter, I’ve been left thinking how our shared whiteness impacted the paths we took in our discussion.
Several years ago, I completed a two day CPD on working with male clients which I found very valuable. We also explored Rogers’ notion of the Person of Tomorrow and what this can offer us in terms of exploring gender. Suzanne Keys’ work on love and Brian Thorne’s work on tenderness are both relevant for this area.
Outside of therapy-specific literature, I’ve found the work of Grayson Perry and Thomas Page Macbee helpful in opening myself up to an area that can feel both familiar and other given my therapy practice with men, life experience of patriarchal power and personally experiencing gender expansiveness and freedom.